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Ok, yet another xanga entry in which I have to complain about something that happened to me between either my husband or my "best friend." This time, it's my "best friend," but I will be giving a short background.

Jen - "best friend"

Eric - my husband (but you probly already know that)

Doug - One of my ex's with whom I am friends (we dated from mid-2002 to mid-2004, and yeah, that's FIVE YEARS AGO for people who don't know how to count)

I dated Eric in 2001-2002, and then in July of '02 I moved to Kansas City, where I met Doug. Eric and I broke up, mutually (if anyone can believe that). I dated Doug until around March of 2004, when I broke up with him and went back to Eric (it is very complicated, but suffice it to say that it's just how it worked out - and thankfully, too!). There was a two month period in there, whilst dating Doug, that I moved to Colorado to get away. Somewhere within the months of August/September/October of 2003. I also had an appendectomy/laparoscopy while I lived in KC and experienced someone's death up close and personal. Doug and I weren't perfect, but we worked for a while. Then my wild self was just too much and I started cheating on him (this was immediately after I moved to Colorado - supposedly to get away from Doug). Either way, after two months I moved back to KC to be with Doug again, but eventually we broke up and it was all because of me. Granted, he didn't help the situation because he pretty much just shut down, spent more time with his CB and computer than with me, but I don't blame him. I was a firecracker and I treated him badly. The biggest rift between us however was religion, if you can believe that. I used to be Baptist (and my family still and always is) and his family was Catholic. If you know anything about religion, that kinda like sticking Atheists with Fundys. It just doesn't work. I bet it would have, but I was too stubborn to make it work. ANYWAY, the last couple weeks of my relationship with Doug, Eric came to my rescue. We both still had feelings for each other, and he made plans to help me move back. It was rough going at first, but we survived and have been together ever since. Five years. Married almost four and have a son for a little more than three. By no means are we perfect, in fact we are trying right now to remember why we married and work on building our love for each other back up. I love my husband and I do not want to divorce him. I have said in the past that I was afraid that we might, but I would honestly rather try to work things out with him. I want our family to be happy together. For both of us and for Aiden.

As of right now, Eric and I have an understanding with each other. I don't know how we came to it, but I know it's there. I talk to Doug every once in a while. Not so much that it interferes with my life (like, texting him 24/7 to where it takes up all my time and leaves it for nothing else). I consider Doug a friend. We broke up for a reason, mostly because of me, and it will stay that way even IF Eric and I were ever to part ways (thru divorce or death or whatever). I know this because Doug himself has told me that there's no way he could take me back (and I have asked him why, but he only says it's "just a feeling" - whatever that means, and not that it matters). Anyway, Eric knows that I talk to Doug and he is ok with it. I don't know how he is, because honestly it is kinda strange that he is ok with me talking to an ex, but if he is willing to trust me, then I am willing to do the same for him. If he were to talk to an ex, that is his perogative (sp). Because he gives me the same trust, I would give it to him. I am fully confident that there are no romantic feelings for Doug, we ARE just friends, as if there were never anything between us. And yes, it IS possible for this to happen, you just have to have the will, confidence and faith in yourself. I fully believe that if one cannot talk with an ex, one reason would be because one is afraid that their old romantic feelings might come back and interfere with their current life/situation/relationships. I have faith enough in myself that this is not possible for me with Doug. I am married to Eric and I love HIM. I am FRIENDS with Doug, and nothing more. I see no wrong in talking with a FRIEND, whether he has a penis or not, or whether we had something in the past or not. And if Eric, my HUSBAND, is confident and trusts me enough to talk with a friend like Doug, that is even more confidence I have in myself to not break that trust EVER.

But anyway, I am going to post the conversation I had with Jen, because I feel that everyone should see both sides of the conversation. I have changed nothing and I don't care if she knows I post it, it's my blog and I can do what I want with it. :)

Messages:
--------- (There were msg's before this, but because it was so long, my blackberry couldn't record above what I already have, no matter anyway, because it gets right to the topic being discussed)----------
Melissa: :)
Melissa: Sounds like fun
Jen: I know I've said it before, but are you sure it's a good thing you talking to doug?
Jen: You wouldn't like it if Eric talked to his ex?
Melissa: /:) Yeah, we can still be just friends
Melissa: I can live with it if he talks to an ex
Melissa: I will trust him if he trusts me
Melissa: And if he ever does anything to hurt me, well...he'll never see Aiden or me again
Jen: But Doug still isn't over you, you think it's right to still talk to him so much?
Melissa: :/
Jen: I'm sorry, I think that's part of your problem.  I don't talk to any of my ex's and neither does Bryan.  Anyway, it's your business and your marriage.
Melissa: Well, I am actually secure enough in my faithfulness to Eric that I don't worry about developing any feelings for Doug
Melissa: I'm married
Melissa: And Doug knows this as well
Melissa: It's one thing to talk to someone, and another to ve fucking them and cheating
Melissa: I am not doing anything wrong and I am not  cheating either
Jen: Ask Eric if he trusts you or is comfortable to talk to Doug and text him?  He doesn't know, if you are being completely faithful to Eric, then he needs to know, don't you think?
Melissa: Yeah, he knows
Melissa: Go ahead and call him if u think I'm lying
Melissa: He knows I do and he is ok with it
Jen: I just don't see him being so uncaring, if you were my wife and we were having problems, the last thing I would want you doing is talk to an ex.
Melissa: Well ur not me OR Eric
Melissa: If he wasn't ok with it, I wouldn't do it
Melissa: Our problems have nothing to do with who  talk to
Jen: I guess that's why we don't have problems then.  Some things are just understood in a marriage, or in ours.  We respect each other enough to not talk to or care to talk to our ex's.  (doesn't mean we don't ever think about them) But like I said it's your marriage.
Melissa: And who says that, because our views are different than yours, they are wrong?
Melissa: We aren't having problems because I talk to an ex of mine, as I have already mentioned
Jen: Sometimes I forget people think differently and have different values than we do.  I appologize.
Melissa: /:)
Jen: Again, I'm only trying to make things better for you, and it is only my opinion that talking to ex's is not a good idea.  I'm not going to talk about it anymore.
Melissa: Well I am. You cannot make things better, u aren't my husband. It IS only YOUR opinion that talking to ex's is not a good idea.
Melissa: And yet again, I am completely confident in my faithfulness
Melissa: Just bc u can't talk to ur ex's without fear of becoming attached, doesn't mean I can't
Jen: EXCUSE me, I have no want to to talk to my ex's.
Jen: I don't need any other men in my life.
Melissa: It's kinda like...um, what's the difference in talking to a black person or a white
Melissa: A friend is a friend, whether they have a penis or not
Jen: Being black or white isn't a very good analogy.  You shouldn't feel you need to be friends with someone you used to be in a relationship with. 
Melissa: Well if that were the case, then I wouldn't be married to Eric and have a beautiful son either
Jen: You are married to Eric now, he should be the only ex in your life.  Don't you accuse me of not being able to not be attached to an ex.  I have no need or no want to talk to any of them.  Yes, I wonder what they are doing, how they are doing, but I don't want to talk to them.  Bryan agrees that talking to an ex is a no-no no matter how much you think you are only friends.  What were to happen if you divorced Eric?  Doug would be there and he would take you back.  Can you honestly say you haven't thought about that?
Melissa: Of course I have, but unless Eric and I are actually DIVORCED, then there is no chance of that.
Melissa: Look, u aren't going to win this argument, because your views are different. Just bc u think differently than me doesn't make my morals weak or wrong.
Melissa: If I thought there were any danger in talking to Doug, I would stop.
Jen: I'm not trying to win an argument.  As long as you hold that thought of there might being a chance with Doug again, that's cheating to me.  Holding Doug around to make sure you won't need him if you and Eric don't work out.  That's not fair to you, or Doug, or Eric.  To me, that's not giving Eric your full heart.  I would never go back to any of mine even Brad.  We tend to have less and less in common anymore. It seems so anyways.
Jen: You and I. We always argue, we never have the same viewpoints, kinda like you and Eric.
Melissa: First of all, I am NOT keeping Doug around as a fucking backup plan. That is just rude and completely wrong. And second of all, Eric and I aren't getting a divorce. We actually BOTH want to work this out as much as possible.
Melissa: And I also don't hold thoughts that there is a chance of being with Doug again
Melissa: It has crossed my mind, but it's not there in my thoughts constantly making me hold him "prisoner" or whatever
Melissa: As in talking to him to keep him around for backup
Melissa: And I have noticed that our viewpoints are different and we argue a lot more.